Post-its, please?

Is it just me or do all moms wish that an instruction manual came with our kids? I would very happily give birth to a book for crying out loud if said book would tell me what to do with these little wonders! Yeah, yeah, labor and delivery is an amazing thing, you get a beautiful miracle at the end that makes it all worth it. Yup. Fell for that hook, line and sinker. And I believe it, honestly I do! My kids are more than worth all the pain (which I really didn't have with the middle kids cuz of those FABULOUS things called epidurals, but I digress...). I totally would have pushed an extra hour or so to get the instruction manual along with the baby. "What to Expect Your First Year" is only so helpful.

Today, for no reason other than maybe a brain fart or something, Bryson hits Garrett. Garrett wasn't bothering him, there was no altercation going. Just leans over a whacks him on the arm. I saw it. Then, Garrett starts getting upset and has the I'm-going-to-start-screaming-to-get-mom's-sympathy-and-get-Bryson-in-trouble look, when Abby (who had been playing on the computer) marches over to Bryson and bops him on the head. With her doll. Naturally Bryson is not going to take this so he starts to yell at Abby and pinches her arm. Garrett has stopped crying but apparently wants to join the fray a little more actively and yells at Abby as well and then pushes her. Bryson then turns and pushes Garrett. Abby starts bossing the boys around and they, almost like it was planned, both grab her shirt and pull her down. Megan is watching the entire thing and yells throughout. Suddenly there's a brawl in the middle of my livingroom. For no reason. Er, excuse me? Did the planets just align for the first time in a decade and children suddenly go berserk?

Obviously there is no rational explanation for this. This is when the instruction manual would be incredibly helpful. You know, something like...

1. Bryson. Chapter 117: When Bryson is 7 years and 10 3/4 months old, he will, without provocation, physically lash out at a younger sibling. This by no means is your fault as a mother and does in fact mean that he is low on Vitamin K. Please feed him some vegetables at dinner this evening. Punishment of any kind will not really help the situation, but it will make you feel better as a parent so go ahead and send him to his room until dinner.
2. Megan. Chapter 12: Megan is going to have several colds this summer that will not result in ear infections no matter what the symptoms look like, or how similar those symptoms are to to your older children who have had bazillions of ear infections. Do not take her in to the doctors and pay for their new SUV's and vacations with your copays. Just keep her home, give her plenty of love, and douse her with ibuprofen so she'll sleep at night.
3. Abby. Chapter 942: Teenagers suck. Moms are awesome. Get some chocolate, a book, and your 17 year old Abby will be home by 1am. If you ground her for a month she'll regret her decision and once again become your best friend.
4. Garrett. Chapter 63: While potty training your son he is going to ask you lots of embarrassing questions. Prepare yourself.

And if I can't get the instruction manual, occasional post-its, floating down from heaven, would also be greatly appreciated. If any of you pairs of eyes that are reading this have an "in" with the guy upstairs who sends these beloved children, I'd also love to be a couple of inches taller and thinner. Thanks.