Post-its, please?

Is it just me or do all moms wish that an instruction manual came with our kids? I would very happily give birth to a book for crying out loud if said book would tell me what to do with these little wonders! Yeah, yeah, labor and delivery is an amazing thing, you get a beautiful miracle at the end that makes it all worth it. Yup. Fell for that hook, line and sinker. And I believe it, honestly I do! My kids are more than worth all the pain (which I really didn't have with the middle kids cuz of those FABULOUS things called epidurals, but I digress...). I totally would have pushed an extra hour or so to get the instruction manual along with the baby. "What to Expect Your First Year" is only so helpful.

Today, for no reason other than maybe a brain fart or something, Bryson hits Garrett. Garrett wasn't bothering him, there was no altercation going. Just leans over a whacks him on the arm. I saw it. Then, Garrett starts getting upset and has the I'm-going-to-start-screaming-to-get-mom's-sympathy-and-get-Bryson-in-trouble look, when Abby (who had been playing on the computer) marches over to Bryson and bops him on the head. With her doll. Naturally Bryson is not going to take this so he starts to yell at Abby and pinches her arm. Garrett has stopped crying but apparently wants to join the fray a little more actively and yells at Abby as well and then pushes her. Bryson then turns and pushes Garrett. Abby starts bossing the boys around and they, almost like it was planned, both grab her shirt and pull her down. Megan is watching the entire thing and yells throughout. Suddenly there's a brawl in the middle of my livingroom. For no reason. Er, excuse me? Did the planets just align for the first time in a decade and children suddenly go berserk?

Obviously there is no rational explanation for this. This is when the instruction manual would be incredibly helpful. You know, something like...

1. Bryson. Chapter 117: When Bryson is 7 years and 10 3/4 months old, he will, without provocation, physically lash out at a younger sibling. This by no means is your fault as a mother and does in fact mean that he is low on Vitamin K. Please feed him some vegetables at dinner this evening. Punishment of any kind will not really help the situation, but it will make you feel better as a parent so go ahead and send him to his room until dinner.
2. Megan. Chapter 12: Megan is going to have several colds this summer that will not result in ear infections no matter what the symptoms look like, or how similar those symptoms are to to your older children who have had bazillions of ear infections. Do not take her in to the doctors and pay for their new SUV's and vacations with your copays. Just keep her home, give her plenty of love, and douse her with ibuprofen so she'll sleep at night.
3. Abby. Chapter 942: Teenagers suck. Moms are awesome. Get some chocolate, a book, and your 17 year old Abby will be home by 1am. If you ground her for a month she'll regret her decision and once again become your best friend.
4. Garrett. Chapter 63: While potty training your son he is going to ask you lots of embarrassing questions. Prepare yourself.

And if I can't get the instruction manual, occasional post-its, floating down from heaven, would also be greatly appreciated. If any of you pairs of eyes that are reading this have an "in" with the guy upstairs who sends these beloved children, I'd also love to be a couple of inches taller and thinner. Thanks.

Tagged...again

More tags. Two of them in fact. I try to escape, but I'm OCD about these things and have to do them. I feel jinxed if I don't. So here's to my longest post with no pics. Sorry. Our camera is currently ignoring us anyway, so we'll post some when he stops throwing a fit.

Tag #1
Heidi Tag:
10 Years Ago
1. I was newly married.
2. Lived in a small 70's decorated apartment in the "ghetto" of Logan.
3. Worked at Practice Management (billing for Doctor's)
4. Became LEGAL at 21. Oh yeah!
5. Wondered how long it would take for me to finish school so we could have kids.

5 Things on Today's "To Do" List
1. Ignore the mess in my kitchen.
2. Babysit Kierra (this is a new thing, I've been part-time babysitting a cute little 6 month old girl)
3. Work for my dad at HAFB
4. Start the laundry (which didn't happen)
5. Ignore my "To Do" list and hang out with Heidi!

5 Snacks I Adore:
1. Chocolate
2. Popcorn, either airpopped at home or at the theater with LOTS of butter.
3. Apple Pie
4. Chips & dip
5. Cheese & crackers

5 Things I'd do with a million dollars:
1. Sell our house and move
2. Renovate our new house (cuz I like older homes so we'd pry have to at least update or modernize)
3. Buy a new vehicle that is less than two years old instead of living with the piece that we have
4. Savings
5. Travel to visit all my family and friends who live farther away than I like (Melissa & Hailey in particular since they aren't within driving distance)

5 Jobs I've had in life:
1. ShopKo, Layton (I know...I'm awesome)
2. SPS Payment Systems, Layton
3. Cal-Ranch (once again, seriously cool)--this was only for a month but I feel cool putting it on here, makes me feel hick
4. Cache Valley ENT
5. Davis Hospital

5 People to Tag:
For once, I'm not tagging people. I just tagged everybody like two weeks ago so you are all off scott free unless you feel the need to join in!


Tag #2
Sarah's Tag of Eight:
8 Shows I love to watch
1. Heroes
2. House
3. CSI
4. Ace of Cakes
5. Jon & Kate Plus Eight
6. Biggest Loser
7. Gilmore Girls
8. American Idol

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Ruby Tuesday
2. Ruby River
3. Chilli's
4. Olive Garden
5. Star Cafe (for breakfast)
6. Flags West truck stop--homemade fries...yummmm
7. Cracker Barrel
8. Old Grist Mill (up in Cache Valley)

8 Things that Happened Yesterday:
1. Did not attempt murder
2. Did not rob a bank
3. Did not win a million dollars
4. Thought about murder when I took Megan to the doctor and he was an idiot (see previous post)
5. Wanted to rob a bank because our van is being stupid. Again.
6. Wished winning a million dollars or perhaps inheriting from some long lost relative we've never heard of was actually feasible so we could ditch the stupid van and get a newer one.
7. Thought about doing laundry.
8. Laughed until I almost peed my pants listening to my boys.

8 Things I'm looking forward to:
1. My kids getting out early on Friday so we can play
2. The weekend
3. All the upcoming holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years
4. Christmas shopping (I love it!)
5. Taking a bath while the kids are asleep so I don't see their fingers under the door and listening to them yell "Mom! What are you doing? Are you almost done? You're taking FOREVER."
6. Reading a new book
7. Sleep
8. Taking a vacation

8 Things I love about Fall:
1. The cooling weather
2. The leaves changing colors
3. pumpkins
4. Halloween & Thanksgiving
5. Actually wanting to do yard work since it isn't 100 degrees
6. Baking
7. Getting ready for Christmas
8. Birthday cake for ME

8 Things on my wish list:
1. More kids.... for my siblings & friends (hee hee...almost had you fooled there didn't I)
2. a trampoline for the kids
3. a new vehicle that isn't quite so moody
4. moving--I've got the bug
5. my husband to finish school so he can find a job he likes
6. a vacation
7. money saved in the bank
8. if I can't move, then I want to redecorate. :)

The NERVE

It's been one of those days. You know the kind I'm talking about. The type where you hang around in your pj's all day cuz you just don't feel like doing anything. Walking aimlessly from room to room, knowing you need to get in gear and clean up this hazard-waste place you call home, but not quite finding the motivation to do it. Having Garrett hanging on me being whiny, and having a very needy Megan because she has an ear infection. Not the fabulous beginnings for a weekday. And then I realize that Megan is COVERED in hives. Great. I call the doctor, explaining she has broken out in hives and I thinks it an allergic reaction to the amoxicillan she's on (same thing happened to me a couple of years ago). They say to bring her in right away...in three hours. And oh, don't give her anything cuz the doctor will want to see exactly what's happening. Nice.

So we eat and take an exhausted Meg in to the doctor. The pediatrician checks her out, saying things like "hmmm...yeah...looks like an allergy..." Ya think? Then he looks in her ears and tells me she doesn't have an ear infection and that the four days of antibiotics have done the trick. I explain, calmly, rationally, that she's only been on them for two days, and should we put her on something else to make sure it doesn't come back. He looks at me and says her infection is gone and her ears are just red so no need, and if they start bothering her I can come back in a few days and have them looked at again. Again, I calmly ask, "If I notice her ears bugging her again, can I just call in and have the new prescription called into Walgreens? We've already been here twice in three days." Mr. Macho Doctor then looks at me and says, "Well, I DO have a medical degree."

At this point all rational thought has left my mind. I'm tired, my kid's sick, and I'm just asking for pete's sake. The NERVE. I give him my "Feel free to take the fastest train straight to hell and while you're on it tell Satan I'd like him to kick your butt up around your freaking medical degree" look and start getting Megan dressed again. I'm so furious that I'm just shaking (and if you know me, you know that normally what comes next are tears but you'll be proud to note that I held back) and so thoroughly livid I just want to scream. Then, he pats me on the shoulder and says "Have a good afternoon" and walks out. What??!@#?@#$?

Needless to say, the only thing that saved this pediatrician's life was that his incredibly sweet nurse came in and said she was faxing my chart to our regular doctor who moved to their clinic in Roy and that I can just call in for a prescription if I need. But seriously, how dare he try to patronize me? Obviously this post is to blow of some steam...but come on. I'm a MOM. I don't need no stinkin' medical degree.

Boys

Bryson: Hey Mom
Me (typing on the computer): Yup?
Bryson: Sometimes, do you ever get like a bubble between your buttcheeks?
Me (stop typing): What?
Bryson: Yeah, like a bubble that is between your buttcheeks and then it pops, like pooff?
Me (laughing): WHAT? You mean like you're farting or something?
Bryson: Yup. Like the silent but deadly kind.
Me: unable to speak because I have convulsed into hysterical laughter
Garrett: Bryson?
Bryson: Do you do that Garrett?
Garrett: Nope. But my pee thing is bigger than yours.
Me: Running to the bathroom because I'm about to pee my pants.

thirty one

So I just wanted to give you a little heads up about being thirty-one for those of you who are not here yet. It doesn't sound that much older than the fabulous thirty I was already at--but beware. Suddenly forty looms so much closer. Wrinkles could magically show up and you know gray hair is soon to follow. I realize that I act about sixteen, and secretly I feel about twenty, but things are starting to sneak up on me that I don't really appreciate. Pregnancy pounds that won't go away are suddenly taking on more importance than before. Acne is suddenly realized as the most annoying thing ever since previously I thought it would magically disappear the day I was officially an adult...obviously this is not a correct assumption as I now have been married for ten years, have four children and a mortgage...pretty dang sure adulthood has been hanging around for a bit.

I'm getting laugh-lines around my eyes and those weird parenthesis around my mouth when I smile. The thought that I could very well be past the having babies stage fills me with elation...and a tiny itty bit of sorrow. (Mostly elation, but still, a little bit of sadness sneaks in.) I don't want to wax poetic here and drive everyone bonkers, but seriously, it just makes you think. Luckily, I have a husband that is a solid four years older than me (35!!) and that sounds waaayyyyy older than me. To be honest, I don't feel old at all...unless I have heartburn. Or migraines. Or my asthma is kicking in. Seriously. I'm young. Right?

You may think this won't happen to you...if that helps you sleep at night, then I wish you well. But just wait. That nasty little monster is going to sneak up on you sooner than later. One day, you wee little ones in your 20's, you too will find yourself on the cusp of old.

The evil laughter you hear in the distance? That's me...welcoming you to the club!

Creepy, crawly Spider

Ewww.....I brought the kids home from school today, and found a lovely black widow spider making a web near our doorway. You can't see the red marks from the picture--maybe I'm being dillusional (it happens) and it was a regular old spider--but I don't think so. Bryson agreed, it totally looked like a black widow. I tried to kill it with a shoe, but then it jumped (??) to the other side so fast it totally freaked me and the kids right out. Abandoning the idea for a minute, I called Heidi for moral support cuz I'm a chicken. Let's be honest here, I don't deal well with spiders. Better than my high school chum Rachelle (that girl would be in the next county before you could blink if she saw a spider), but they still completely creep me out. Of course I couldn't concentrate on anything else until the spider was gone....I kept imagining it crawling into my house while we were sleeping. Shudder.

Abby and I decided I should wear my boots (cuz they're tougher to bite through in case the spider decided to get vicious), and arm myself with the broom and bugspray (that is actually for wasps not spiders, but at least it might stun it was our thinking). The boys thought it'd be cool if I took a picture. SO, I went outside, armed, took a picture from about 5 feet away and used the fabulous zoom in feature to take a quick photo. I think she even smiled after the kids yelled "CHEESE" from the doorway (they thought it was cool but didn't want to be within striking range). Then I smashed her with a broom onto the step and smashed it with my shoe before she could escape.

Seriously....ewwww.

Tag, You're IT!

It's who I am.

I Am....Jen.

I Want...my bills to be magically paid by themselves.

I Have...a wonderful family.

I Wish....money really did grow on trees.

I Hate...people who think they know how to drive but really don't.

I Fear...something bad happening to my kids.

I Hear...the Food Network show "Unwrapped".

I Search...for new books to read.

I Always...go barefoot in my house.

I Usually...take a shower. (just making sure you're really reading this)

I Am Not...very tall or very patient.

I Miss...my sister Melissa, and my friends Mary Ann & Hailey. They all live too far away.

I Love...my hubby Travis & our fabulous little rugrats.

I Never...pick my nose and eat it, cuz that'd be gross.

I Rarely...take out the trash (Travis almost always does).

I Cry...any time my emotions are extreme: happy, sad, or angry.

I am Not Always...the best mom I could be but I try every day.

I Lose...my shoes all the time.

I'm Confused...early in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep.

I Need...a hug whenever I can get them.

I Should...go to bed but my brain won't shut up!

I Dream...almost every night and usually remember them.

I would like to Tag: Pretty much everybody, but specifically Mani, Heidi, Nicole, Holly, Penny and Kelly & Jaimee. You know you want to!! Remember, I am your regular blogger stalker so just do it or you'll start to get annoying messages from me (and we all know that is not an idle threat).